The following was provided to me by a great friend and encourager, Tiffany. I felt her story was more impactful in her own voice.
I stood in the quiet kitchen, staring at the empty table that had once been the center of my world. Fourteen years ago, this house was alive…bursting with laughter, arguments, and the kind of chaos only six kids could create. Three were mine, and three were my sister’s children. I hadn’t planned for this life, but when she fell into the grip of addiction, I couldn’t let the state take them. I couldn’t bear the thought of them being separated or lost in a system that might never bring them back together or back to her if she ever found her way out of the darkness. So, I took them in. I became their mom too.
It wasn’t easy, but we made it work. Somehow, we built a life together…messy, loud, and full of love. Now, as my youngest niece prepares to graduate high school just two weeks before I turn 50, I find myself standing on unfamiliar ground. This isn’t where I thought I’d be at this stage in life. For so long, my kids…my why…were the reason I got up every morning. They were the reason I kept going when things felt impossible. And now? Now they’re all grown up, living their own lives, chasing their own dreams.
I miss them more than words can express. I miss the laughter echoing through these walls, the silly moments we shared watching movies or playing games, even the arguments over chores or curfews. Sometimes I scroll through old videos on my phone just to hear their voices again. My heart aches for those days…the days when I knew exactly who I was and what my purpose was.
But now? Now I’m not so sure.
I pause at the mirror in the hallway, studying my reflection. The lines around my eyes tell stories of sleepless nights and worry, but also of joy and love. I barely recognize the woman staring back at me.
I’ve been asking myself questions lately. Questions I never thought to ask before. What do I like to eat? What do I like to do? What shows do I enjoy watching? Who do I want to be around? For years, my identity was wrapped up in being Mom…caretaker, problem-solver, cheerleader…but now that role feels distant. It feels selfish to focus on myself after spending so much time thinking about everyone else’s needs. And yet…I know it’s time. It’s time to figure out who Tiffany is beyond being Mom.
The future feels uncertain. Like a blank canvas that both excites and terrifies me. I want to find joy in this new chapter, but it’s hard to imagine moving forward without my kids by my side. They’re busy living their lives now, and as much as I want them with me on this journey, I know they can’t be. They’ve grown into incredible people who deserve to chase their own paths.
So where does that leave me?
I don’t have all the answers yet. Some days are harder than others. Days when the silence feels unbearable and the loneliness creeps in like an unwelcome guest. But there are moments when hope flickers…a tiny spark reminding me that there’s still more ahead for me.
I’ve started dreaming again…not huge dreams yet, but small ones. Maybe I’ll take a trip somewhere new or try a hobby I’ve always been curious about. Maybe I’ll meet new people or rediscover old passions buried under years of responsibility.
For now, though, I’m just taking it one day at a time. Learning to embrace the uncertainty and trust that there’s still purpose waiting for me in this next chapter of life.
Who am I? What is my why? Those questions still linger…but maybe that’s okay. Maybe part of the journey is learning how to live without all the answers.
And maybe…just maybe…I’ll find myself along the way.
